Damn it I just want someone to care!

I'm logging on to myspace to see if my ex Matt replied to our message yet...my EX, is this what my heart has done to me??? I cling on to the boy who I broke up with because HE was too clingy but somehow seems to be the only boy who cares??? I saw Satoru's (my ex online "bf") newest profile picture today. random shot of him I guess, but I somehow wanted to cry, just break down and cry. I cling to Kemushi (my stuffed caterpillar) for comfort. Is this going to be my whole life??? alone...crying over the "what could have beens"...feeling like I just want to die. It hurts,it's like an ache in my chest, not really piercing, but a consent throbbing. is the throbbing my heart? is it it's beating? if it is, I guess you can really feel heartache.I wonder why I was put on this Earth, as I wrap Kemushi's 6 legs around my torso, the presser doesn't ease the pain, but a hug feels good, whether it's from a stuffed animal or not. As I write this I can feel the tears coming to the surface, I hate this feeling, more then I hate anything. I just wanna scream, yell at the world, fall to my knees and cry my heart out until I totally disappear. Stevie says she wants a baby, but that's not what I want. I just wanna know there's a guy out there who loves me, who cares about how I feel, who will call me up in the middle of the day, if we can't hang out, just to tell me he loves me. I want a guy who will kiss me and hug me, and with each kiss and each hug, I can feel just how much love he holds for me. Damn it I just want someone to care! The tears are falling now, soaking Kemushi's plush little body, and my vision is getting blurred. I just don't get it, how long do I have to wait? how much do I have to cry? what do I have to do? how many times do I have to get my heart broken by boys who show interest, promise things, and then just stop talking to me! with no reason, how long do I have to feel like there's something fucked up with me, before I find my soulmate???? I'm so afraid that once I meet him, my heart will be too badly bruised, my trust will have been shredded, and my being will be too microscopic to allow him to heal me.At the end of the day, I have to retreat to my small lonely bed, sure I'll cuddle with Kemushi, and hopefully dream a good dream, but what about tomorrow? as soon as my eyes open, the pain will start again. I hear all these girls, complaining about their guys, I just wanna slap them, and then say "be fucking grateful you HAVE a guy to go on dates with! to kiss you! to hug you! to most likely cuddle with at night!" right in their shocked faces.  It's true, a lot of people say I'm hateful towards all of the couples that I see...and maybe it's true, but I can tell you think. I'm not hateful...I'm lonely. I act mean towards them so they won't see the hurt and sadness in my eyes. But now I'm starting to repeat myself I guess, oh well, this is how I feel.I hug Kemushi again as I try not to cry anymore. I will try to hold on, but I'm not sure how much longer I can, I've noticed the pain is getting worse, and it seems to be consent now, day in and day out. But I guess this blog thing was a good idea, even though no one will ever read this...but...I feel like maybe someone will, and it feels good to have someone really listen for a change.